It is such a huge honor to be a part of so many healing journeys. I get the chance to see a lot of courageous people doing their work- breaking old patterns, exploring their shadows, standing up to their fears. I get to hear so many amazing stories and this month I get to share one such story. A recent participant gave me permission to share their story… My name is J, I am 35 years old and had been in the clutches of depression for over a year (before the retreat). The wreckage of my breakup left me mired in guilt, shame, and anger. I’d meticulously planned my suicide, even manipulating my mom into taking my dog, Wrigley, for a “vacation”. However, my mom, sensing the darkness closing in, urged me to try an ayahuasca ceremony. Ayahuasca, a plant medicine with a reputation for inducing profound self-reflection and healing, was my last resort. The strict week-long dieta leading up to the ceremony was brutal. No caffeine, processed foods, red meat, or sex – all to ensure a clean system for the medicine to work. The insomnia caused by the drastic dietary changes was tough, but I persevered, determined to find some relief. The ceremony itself was held over two nights, with 3 rounds each night. On the first night, around 5 pm, I arrived at the center and settled into the dimly lit room with ten other participants. Each of us had a mat, a blanket, and a bucket for purging. We waited until sundown to consume the ayahuasca, a thick, bitter liquid. As I lay on the mat in the darkness, pulsating, colorful lines materialized under the influence of the medicine. I was soon overwhelmed by a wave of sadness, shame, and guilt. The first purge that wracked my body was for Wrigley, the selfish act of trying to isolate him from my misery. My guide, a compassionate woman, placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. In that moment of raw vulnerability, I blurted out a plea for a hug. Her embrace offered a flicker of hope – if someone could hold me together in this state, maybe there was hope for healing. Filled with a newfound resolve, I begged Aya, the spirit of the ayahuasca permission for, self-forgiveness, self-love, and the ability to love and receive love from others. The second round of medicine that night was daunting, but a surge of strength propelled me forward. As I took it, an unnerving stillness descended. I worried I’d blocked the medicine’s effects, but then came the realization – this was the peace I’d just begged her for. It was such a profound sense of tranquility that I drifted off to sleep. Waking up near the end of the third round, I felt a tinge of disappointment for missing it. However, a sense of calm washed over me – the medicine had given me exactly what I needed. The crushing depression had vanished, replaced by a fragile optimism. I wasn’t just existing; I felt a spark of life flicker within me. The second day was about sharing our experiences. Talking about my journey helped others process theirs, fostering a sense of connection. We also participated in breathwork exercises, releasing pent-up emotions. It dawned on me that the intense first night was designed to clear the way for the transformative experience of the second night. That evening, we returned to the ceremony room. The first round was subdued, but as the second round kicked in, I remembered my decision to hold onto the medicine for a stronger effect. This time, the purge was purely physical, and an overwhelming sense of happiness flooded me. It was like all the love in universe coursed through my veins. I felt love for myself, my family, my unborn child – a profound sense of rebirth washed over me. I even found myself dancing and playing like a child, filled with unbridled joy. The ayahuasca journey then took me on an extraordinary expedition. I traveled through time, meeting historical figures and shamans. I even reconnected with my deceased father, sharing the news of my upcoming fatherhood. It was a powerful closure, a way to bridge the gap created by his passing around four years ago. I had never felt such an intense sensation of love and acceptance. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel that. As the third round came, I was excited and determined not to miss it again. That was also a lesson I had to learn, because even though I am glad I did it, I did not need it. I felt like there might be another level to what I was feeling but there wasn’t. If anything, it just made the feeling heavier, not stronger. The spirit of Aya, is a strong force and should not be taken advantage of in that way. I went in with no expectations just clear intentions, but I realize now that wanting to increase this universal love was an expectation, trying to take control of my journey instead of being guided through it. The Road AheadThe ayahuasca ceremony was a transformative experience. It was a confrontation with my darkness, but ultimately, it led me back to the light. It gave me the tools to face my demons, forgive myself, and embrace the love that surrounded me. I left the ceremony with a renewed sense of purpose and the determination to be a good father, a better son, and a better me.The journey wasn’t over, of course. There will be good days and bad days, but I was equipped to navigate them. I had reconnected with my support system, my family rallying around me. My mom continued to be a pillar of strength, and I knew I could always count on her. The news of my child added a new dimension to my life. The thought of raising a child filled me with an excitement I hadn’t felt in years. I was determined to be a good father, to break the cycle of negativity and raise my child in a loving and supportive environment. To anyone reading this, I love you, and if this can help anyone close to you, please feel free to share. There is nothing I said that I am ashamed of or need to keep private. We all have weak moments in life, and some people need proof you can get stronger again. |
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